I had the opportunity to discuss the value of ritual in out lives with Nate this morning.
When a lot of us think of ritual we consider it in a wholly religious sense relating to church ceremony, but it's not just that. It is something that can be a personal practice. Our lives are filled with habit but rarely ritualized practice.
A ritualized practice is something that we can do everyday to prepare ourselves for writing, playing music, or getting ready for work as examples. A ritual can bring us back to ourselves and remind ourselves of a relaxed time, a moment when we felt peace or joy.
For myself, a ritual that developed when I was on vacation this spring was getting up in a quiet house, making an espresso and heading outside to the deck with my notebook. Sitting in the sun and just enjoying the beverage and early morning light. Simply relaxing into that moment of time before starting my journal pages for the day. Another thing that got added onto that time was some walking meditation for about 10 minutes, just breathing and taking small deliberate steps in a pattern. Even though the location has changed, I am here and not on vacation, I can recapture that moment of quiet by simply going through the ritual of brewing an espresso and heading out the door to a lawn chair with my notebook in hand.
The problem with ritual is that even when we know that something has the ability to relax us, to allow us to experience a pleasure sensation, we tend to put it off in our daily lives because we don't have time. We revert back to the habit of looking after the daily grind, rather than taking 15 minutes for ourselves to be with ourselves.
It's good to be reminded that a daily practice, whatever it is that we choose to practice, is soothing for both the mind and spirit.
I'm going back outdoors, then back to the studio.
--
Currently listening to Chocolate Drops - Emanate 7
Showing posts with label human nature. Show all posts
Showing posts with label human nature. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Praise Junkie
There are people in our lives that we often receive compliments from or give compliments to... We feel good for both giving and receiving. Sometimes we find ourselves smiling a little brighter or trying a little harder because of the receipt of the compliment. We want another one, we need another one, our mind cries out for another one, we need the hit of the boost of the compliment.
The moment of realization dawns: I am a "Praise Junkie".
Now assume for a bit that you are not a junkie, but someone with confidence in your abilities and an unquestioning faith in yourself. Assume for a moment that you do not regularly seek out praise. Assume that you rarely receive complements and that for just this once, someone you have rarely received a compliment from gives you one. What value do you place on that praise? Is that one comment now worth more because it is rarely given than a similar one that is received daily?
I found myself pondering this recently. Both evaluating my need for a hit for the praise junkie and why one rare and off-hand comment about being "pretty" from a friend seems to have had more power than the daily reminder that I am "beautiful" from my partner.
On the rather cynical side though, praise is like marketing and diamonds: Rarity can lend value and perceived scarcity can up the demand.
I'll draw this conclusion for the moment, I have a daily showering of "diamonds" from my partner, so I guess when I get tossed another colour of gem, it's just unusual enough to be fascinating for awhile, but eventually the novelty wears off as the edges chip and the shine leaves the softer gem.
--
The moment of realization dawns: I am a "Praise Junkie".
Now assume for a bit that you are not a junkie, but someone with confidence in your abilities and an unquestioning faith in yourself. Assume for a moment that you do not regularly seek out praise. Assume that you rarely receive complements and that for just this once, someone you have rarely received a compliment from gives you one. What value do you place on that praise? Is that one comment now worth more because it is rarely given than a similar one that is received daily?
I found myself pondering this recently. Both evaluating my need for a hit for the praise junkie and why one rare and off-hand comment about being "pretty" from a friend seems to have had more power than the daily reminder that I am "beautiful" from my partner.
On the rather cynical side though, praise is like marketing and diamonds: Rarity can lend value and perceived scarcity can up the demand.
I'll draw this conclusion for the moment, I have a daily showering of "diamonds" from my partner, so I guess when I get tossed another colour of gem, it's just unusual enough to be fascinating for awhile, but eventually the novelty wears off as the edges chip and the shine leaves the softer gem.
--
Monday, June 8, 2009
My Cinderella Issue
In the original Grimm's Fairy Tale (GFT), I don't think that Cinderella was the helpless waif that the North American (NA) sanitized an beautified versions of the tale makes her out to be. I think that she a lot more spunk and she wasn't constantly sitting around bemoaning her terrible fate, whining at mice and waiting for the rodents and avian life to build her a dress for the ball. I also don't recall that Prince Charming was such a twit either, dancing around and believing that this was the "Princess" that would make his life complete. Grimm's seemed to imply that his life was already complete and well rounded and that the addition of Cinderella would simply enrich it. They weren't really saving each others butts in the original so much as providing opportunity for change and betterment.
My issue with the NA is that multiple generations of youth have grown up on that sucrose laden pablum, as compared to the more austere, violent and truthful GFT. I believe that this has left millions of children, young adults and some of us approaching middle age with a false sense of our own importance and the cultural implication that we need to be rescued. That someone will ride in and if the shoe fits, haul our sorry posteriors out of the ash pile and turn our lives from drudgery and damnation to a full time night club scene minus the pumpkin hour. In turn, the rider's life is going to become rich and whole because they made a rescue. Baloney, all you have are two needy people desperately seeking solace in the other and in turn constantly dragging each other further and further into their own personal morasses of misery.
What if the modern day Cinderella stopped whining and started doing? What if she found a bucket of water and washed her face and hands, combed her hair and mended her dress? What if she went into the village and looked for a job, any job, and just started to get out of the house and away from her negative environment. What if she stopped waiting to be rescued by the Prince and started her own rescue? Would teaching a little self-sufficiency to our youth be such a bad thing?
Let's face it, in the NA story, Prince is riding around with a glass slipper, that's a deadly weapon. What happens to the idea of doing some rescuing if he trips, falls and slits his throat on the broken shards? By the way, why does he need a whinging, whining broad for when he's the heir apparent and supposed to be busy doing a job of helping look after a kingdom. What's he really need with a woman to make his life complete? Enriched maybe, but not complete, because it should already be full and busy. He's a focused dude, not some love-struck puppy wandering around looking for a john so he can toss it off while he's waiting to try the 50's-look glass pump on his one and only.
Come on here people, what are we doing to ourselves when this is the drivel we are prepared to live off of? When this is what we are basing part of our societal structures on? Is it any wonder we are a confused bunch? Liberated, but waiting for him/her to rescue and fulfill us. Corporate climbing successes but still a failure without a full time marriage. Happiness is impossible without a partner. Love is the ultimate prize. Love is the only true success story. Why can't we be a success just because we are a whole person, doing something worthwhile as individuals? Why do we have to make the rescue/relationship the big story of our lives? What happens to our life when the rescue is over and the person is gone? We don't look too good, we don't feel too good, and we have belly-flopped, mega-cannonball splashed, big time failed. This is just a bad construct to have filling the minds of our youth. The media of cartoons and modern stories is not in tune with the rest of messages that we are trying to impart to those who wish to be successful adults.
Rewrite the story: You are a whole person with multiple interests and lots of people and things that you do that you enjoy in your life, all you don't have is full-time love relationship. Do you need one? Not really, it isn't what is going to make you happy because you already are happy. You are already fulfilled and self-reliant, but you give it a try because, well, if it works, your life might be a bit richer for it, if it fails, you still have your happiness and a full life. If the person that you try is already a happy, whole person, you are not rescuing, they are not needy, and they will add to, rather than take away from your life. Much better ending for everyone because now you are not busting your balls to back-fill the pits for another person who is sitting around uselessly gobbling up everything in sight as a way to ease their own psychic pain.
Neediness is a big hole and it takes a lot to fill it, that's why Cinderella needs the big castle and all the trappings to go with the Prince. She might be a nice girl, but she is one huge vacuum of narcissistic self-doubt and is totally devoid of self-confidence. If she hadn't been whining in the cinder pit, waiting for the fairy-godmother, she could have been fashioning together a drop-dead ensemble, bought on sale, paid for with her tips from Starbucks, and because she talks to so many people everyday at her job, she's already got the confidence to take on Princy and all the other fashionistas at the ball. She's not needy, she's one tough cookie with the chutzpah to take over the world. She doesn't need Princy, but if she decides she wants him, she'll try him on for size. If he doesn't fit into her life, she'll just head for the next ball.
As I said, I have a real Cinderella issue, and I personally detest the dichotomy that this type of media message has produced in me, on the one hand, supposed to be a capable self-sufficient woman but on the other, my life is not complete unless I am saved by Princy. I am so upset with the realization that I got gobbled up in the modern myth, like so many other women and men that I know, that I could burn the castle, slit Princy's throat with my own high heel and run mice through with a machete. If fairy-godmother ever shows, I think I will have to tell her to go do another kind of rescuing, start educating people that waiting to be rescued is wrong and useless and that changing your attitude to be bit more "can do" is the best possible remedy to the cinder pit of life.
My issue with the NA is that multiple generations of youth have grown up on that sucrose laden pablum, as compared to the more austere, violent and truthful GFT. I believe that this has left millions of children, young adults and some of us approaching middle age with a false sense of our own importance and the cultural implication that we need to be rescued. That someone will ride in and if the shoe fits, haul our sorry posteriors out of the ash pile and turn our lives from drudgery and damnation to a full time night club scene minus the pumpkin hour. In turn, the rider's life is going to become rich and whole because they made a rescue. Baloney, all you have are two needy people desperately seeking solace in the other and in turn constantly dragging each other further and further into their own personal morasses of misery.
What if the modern day Cinderella stopped whining and started doing? What if she found a bucket of water and washed her face and hands, combed her hair and mended her dress? What if she went into the village and looked for a job, any job, and just started to get out of the house and away from her negative environment. What if she stopped waiting to be rescued by the Prince and started her own rescue? Would teaching a little self-sufficiency to our youth be such a bad thing?
Let's face it, in the NA story, Prince is riding around with a glass slipper, that's a deadly weapon. What happens to the idea of doing some rescuing if he trips, falls and slits his throat on the broken shards? By the way, why does he need a whinging, whining broad for when he's the heir apparent and supposed to be busy doing a job of helping look after a kingdom. What's he really need with a woman to make his life complete? Enriched maybe, but not complete, because it should already be full and busy. He's a focused dude, not some love-struck puppy wandering around looking for a john so he can toss it off while he's waiting to try the 50's-look glass pump on his one and only.
Come on here people, what are we doing to ourselves when this is the drivel we are prepared to live off of? When this is what we are basing part of our societal structures on? Is it any wonder we are a confused bunch? Liberated, but waiting for him/her to rescue and fulfill us. Corporate climbing successes but still a failure without a full time marriage. Happiness is impossible without a partner. Love is the ultimate prize. Love is the only true success story. Why can't we be a success just because we are a whole person, doing something worthwhile as individuals? Why do we have to make the rescue/relationship the big story of our lives? What happens to our life when the rescue is over and the person is gone? We don't look too good, we don't feel too good, and we have belly-flopped, mega-cannonball splashed, big time failed. This is just a bad construct to have filling the minds of our youth. The media of cartoons and modern stories is not in tune with the rest of messages that we are trying to impart to those who wish to be successful adults.
Rewrite the story: You are a whole person with multiple interests and lots of people and things that you do that you enjoy in your life, all you don't have is full-time love relationship. Do you need one? Not really, it isn't what is going to make you happy because you already are happy. You are already fulfilled and self-reliant, but you give it a try because, well, if it works, your life might be a bit richer for it, if it fails, you still have your happiness and a full life. If the person that you try is already a happy, whole person, you are not rescuing, they are not needy, and they will add to, rather than take away from your life. Much better ending for everyone because now you are not busting your balls to back-fill the pits for another person who is sitting around uselessly gobbling up everything in sight as a way to ease their own psychic pain.
Neediness is a big hole and it takes a lot to fill it, that's why Cinderella needs the big castle and all the trappings to go with the Prince. She might be a nice girl, but she is one huge vacuum of narcissistic self-doubt and is totally devoid of self-confidence. If she hadn't been whining in the cinder pit, waiting for the fairy-godmother, she could have been fashioning together a drop-dead ensemble, bought on sale, paid for with her tips from Starbucks, and because she talks to so many people everyday at her job, she's already got the confidence to take on Princy and all the other fashionistas at the ball. She's not needy, she's one tough cookie with the chutzpah to take over the world. She doesn't need Princy, but if she decides she wants him, she'll try him on for size. If he doesn't fit into her life, she'll just head for the next ball.
As I said, I have a real Cinderella issue, and I personally detest the dichotomy that this type of media message has produced in me, on the one hand, supposed to be a capable self-sufficient woman but on the other, my life is not complete unless I am saved by Princy. I am so upset with the realization that I got gobbled up in the modern myth, like so many other women and men that I know, that I could burn the castle, slit Princy's throat with my own high heel and run mice through with a machete. If fairy-godmother ever shows, I think I will have to tell her to go do another kind of rescuing, start educating people that waiting to be rescued is wrong and useless and that changing your attitude to be bit more "can do" is the best possible remedy to the cinder pit of life.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Analogy
You have been driving a car down a one-way dead end laneway that narrows so that there is no turning around, and then you discover that the car does not have reverse. That stuck feeling sets in. That realization that you have spent so much time driving down the road, not taking turns, making decisions that could have taken you down other lanes. You have stayed the chosen course only to discover that you have dead-ended yourself and there does not seem to be a way out of it.
Unfortunately, this is how we sometimes live our lives. This is what seems to happen to us and we reach that dead-end in a job, a relationship, indebtedness, and a combination of the normal and mundane. We suddenly realize we are trapped and feel that we have no recourse, no way out, no answers, and no rescue.
What are you going to do when you find yourself there?
Some people seem to give up and stay with the car, stuck and complaining and accepting that there is no way out. Some people get out and push the car backwards until they can turn at the last turning point. Some people listen and realize that there are lanes that run parallel to the one they are on, and scramble through the pucker brush to the other road and hitch a ride.
The worst thing that we can do is give up. Pushing backwards to the last turning point or making the effort to push through the brambles and shambles to another road is the most progressive. Either of the two latter choices will net a change in the circumstances. Neither is easy, but neither is change.
What would you do, face down the challenge and the fear of the unknown roadway or sit at the dead-end?
Unfortunately, this is how we sometimes live our lives. This is what seems to happen to us and we reach that dead-end in a job, a relationship, indebtedness, and a combination of the normal and mundane. We suddenly realize we are trapped and feel that we have no recourse, no way out, no answers, and no rescue.
What are you going to do when you find yourself there?
Some people seem to give up and stay with the car, stuck and complaining and accepting that there is no way out. Some people get out and push the car backwards until they can turn at the last turning point. Some people listen and realize that there are lanes that run parallel to the one they are on, and scramble through the pucker brush to the other road and hitch a ride.
The worst thing that we can do is give up. Pushing backwards to the last turning point or making the effort to push through the brambles and shambles to another road is the most progressive. Either of the two latter choices will net a change in the circumstances. Neither is easy, but neither is change.
What would you do, face down the challenge and the fear of the unknown roadway or sit at the dead-end?
Monday, July 23, 2007
The Edge
I have a friend, we've been buddies for 20 years. I actually do have more than one but this is about one in particular who likes to live dangerously and I am so envious and admiring of him.
Somewhere, back in our distant past at university we met, ate a lot of pizza, shared some good books, laughs, a few beer, sad tales and some movies. I did the safe thing and found what I thought was a stable and employable guy and got married. He didn't; he went to grad school, went to Germany, wrote a book, got it published, got a PhD, and went on to teach at a rather specialized Canadian university and he still writes, gets published, travels to really interesting places and specializes in war zones. I got divorced and remarried and finally started on the road to being the person I want to become with the support and absolute devotion of my partner.
The failure of human nature is that we often make comparisons between ourselves and other persons that we admire and we often beat ourselves down in this futile exercise instead of doing what is necessary: make the comparison, draw from it the inspirational bits and realize that in order to live a fuller life that we must be active in it.
My buddy inspires me. It wasn't until I read his latest cover story in the great Canadian weekly news rag that I figured this out. I mean I got a lot from his last book, it was a great read but it didn't really spur me to any great A-HA moments and it's not like there was a great philosophical charge from the magazine article either. It's not like I am going to jump on plane and go rescue the indigenous population of a foreign land half a world away that has been in chaos for over 30 years but I am going to rescue myself. Let's just say that this idea finally 'clicked' with me.
To go along with recognizing that conservative decision making doesn't get me where I want to go I also add this. We are likely familiar with the old expression "charity begins at home", well, it's true. When we are willing to admit to ourselves that we are not 100% happy with our lot in life and we accept responsibility for it by recognizing the decisions that we have made that have placed us here or have continued to leave us here, then we are in essence recognizing that our "home" is in need of help. I know that my mind is a wonderful and creative tool and that I can use it to help myself be a better person, I just have to be brave enough to step outside of my comfort-zone and to do some things that are unusual for me. I have to give to myself too, not just to my family, or my friends, or forum associates, but to myself. I have to give myself permission to be brave, to try new things, to fail and to try again, all without comparison or judgement. That is the greatest of gift I can give to myself.
My buddy doesn't live a "safe" life. There is nothing terribly conservative about him. He is willing to put himself out there and take risks and it seems to pay off for him. What I realize in looking at him for inspiration is that if I want to achieve the level of recognition and success that I want, that I too have to stop making comfortable and safe decisions and to act more outrageously, to give a lot more of myself and really step out there on the edge. I have to become active in my own life and really own my actions.
My buddy revels in dancing hard on the edge. I know that for him, living away from it is more deadly to his spirit than all the weeks and months combined over the years spent in various war zones. I know that he is always alive in the moment and I know that it took a lot of time and effort on his part to get there too. I also know that it didn't happen because he made "safe" decisions that would protect him from failure.
Crawling to the edge and hanging on as I peer over it might be a good start but eventually standing and dancing on it is where I want to be too.
I'm ready to crawl, are you?
Cynthia
Somewhere, back in our distant past at university we met, ate a lot of pizza, shared some good books, laughs, a few beer, sad tales and some movies. I did the safe thing and found what I thought was a stable and employable guy and got married. He didn't; he went to grad school, went to Germany, wrote a book, got it published, got a PhD, and went on to teach at a rather specialized Canadian university and he still writes, gets published, travels to really interesting places and specializes in war zones. I got divorced and remarried and finally started on the road to being the person I want to become with the support and absolute devotion of my partner.
The failure of human nature is that we often make comparisons between ourselves and other persons that we admire and we often beat ourselves down in this futile exercise instead of doing what is necessary: make the comparison, draw from it the inspirational bits and realize that in order to live a fuller life that we must be active in it.
My buddy inspires me. It wasn't until I read his latest cover story in the great Canadian weekly news rag that I figured this out. I mean I got a lot from his last book, it was a great read but it didn't really spur me to any great A-HA moments and it's not like there was a great philosophical charge from the magazine article either. It's not like I am going to jump on plane and go rescue the indigenous population of a foreign land half a world away that has been in chaos for over 30 years but I am going to rescue myself. Let's just say that this idea finally 'clicked' with me.
To go along with recognizing that conservative decision making doesn't get me where I want to go I also add this. We are likely familiar with the old expression "charity begins at home", well, it's true. When we are willing to admit to ourselves that we are not 100% happy with our lot in life and we accept responsibility for it by recognizing the decisions that we have made that have placed us here or have continued to leave us here, then we are in essence recognizing that our "home" is in need of help. I know that my mind is a wonderful and creative tool and that I can use it to help myself be a better person, I just have to be brave enough to step outside of my comfort-zone and to do some things that are unusual for me. I have to give to myself too, not just to my family, or my friends, or forum associates, but to myself. I have to give myself permission to be brave, to try new things, to fail and to try again, all without comparison or judgement. That is the greatest of gift I can give to myself.
My buddy doesn't live a "safe" life. There is nothing terribly conservative about him. He is willing to put himself out there and take risks and it seems to pay off for him. What I realize in looking at him for inspiration is that if I want to achieve the level of recognition and success that I want, that I too have to stop making comfortable and safe decisions and to act more outrageously, to give a lot more of myself and really step out there on the edge. I have to become active in my own life and really own my actions.
My buddy revels in dancing hard on the edge. I know that for him, living away from it is more deadly to his spirit than all the weeks and months combined over the years spent in various war zones. I know that he is always alive in the moment and I know that it took a lot of time and effort on his part to get there too. I also know that it didn't happen because he made "safe" decisions that would protect him from failure.
Crawling to the edge and hanging on as I peer over it might be a good start but eventually standing and dancing on it is where I want to be too.
I'm ready to crawl, are you?
Cynthia
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