...And it was fun too.
For the first time in years I put a brush to canvas. It was not easy.
I have had the paint, brushes and canvases for well over a year and I have periodically ranted about wanting to try painting again. It was good to play in the paint - acrylic - cheap but very functional when you know that this isn't your main gig.
I learned something that helped today too.
The reason that I shied away from visual art, since I could draw OK and could use oils OK was that in my mind, my mother was better, but she didn't paint much and often voiced disatisfaction with some branch or other of the family tree in regards to art. I got turned off and also I didn't want to appear to be competing with her - and maybe that's an only child/daughter hang-up. My mother liked to work on landscapes and painted in a realistic but not photographic fashion. I am very uncomfortable with realism, besides I have a lot of doubt in my ability and I am hung-up on all of this.
But what I learned is that if I pick really contrary colours to work in: green and blue for flesh for example, that the whole activity becomes a lot more fun; after all it is hard to take a green/blue nude seriously.
The three small canvases, I think they are the standard 5x7, will be signed and dated, probably tacked up on the studio wall and will be replaced with several more blanks.
I know that the 'paintings' are NOT gallery quality, at least in my humble and self-detrimental opinion, but I'm still pretty proud of them because it's real progress. It took a lot of time and a good bit of bravery to try something that I gave up on 20 years ago.
Now I wonder what else I can rediscover and try again?
Showing posts with label risk taking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label risk taking. Show all posts
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Monday, July 23, 2007
The Edge
I have a friend, we've been buddies for 20 years. I actually do have more than one but this is about one in particular who likes to live dangerously and I am so envious and admiring of him.
Somewhere, back in our distant past at university we met, ate a lot of pizza, shared some good books, laughs, a few beer, sad tales and some movies. I did the safe thing and found what I thought was a stable and employable guy and got married. He didn't; he went to grad school, went to Germany, wrote a book, got it published, got a PhD, and went on to teach at a rather specialized Canadian university and he still writes, gets published, travels to really interesting places and specializes in war zones. I got divorced and remarried and finally started on the road to being the person I want to become with the support and absolute devotion of my partner.
The failure of human nature is that we often make comparisons between ourselves and other persons that we admire and we often beat ourselves down in this futile exercise instead of doing what is necessary: make the comparison, draw from it the inspirational bits and realize that in order to live a fuller life that we must be active in it.
My buddy inspires me. It wasn't until I read his latest cover story in the great Canadian weekly news rag that I figured this out. I mean I got a lot from his last book, it was a great read but it didn't really spur me to any great A-HA moments and it's not like there was a great philosophical charge from the magazine article either. It's not like I am going to jump on plane and go rescue the indigenous population of a foreign land half a world away that has been in chaos for over 30 years but I am going to rescue myself. Let's just say that this idea finally 'clicked' with me.
To go along with recognizing that conservative decision making doesn't get me where I want to go I also add this. We are likely familiar with the old expression "charity begins at home", well, it's true. When we are willing to admit to ourselves that we are not 100% happy with our lot in life and we accept responsibility for it by recognizing the decisions that we have made that have placed us here or have continued to leave us here, then we are in essence recognizing that our "home" is in need of help. I know that my mind is a wonderful and creative tool and that I can use it to help myself be a better person, I just have to be brave enough to step outside of my comfort-zone and to do some things that are unusual for me. I have to give to myself too, not just to my family, or my friends, or forum associates, but to myself. I have to give myself permission to be brave, to try new things, to fail and to try again, all without comparison or judgement. That is the greatest of gift I can give to myself.
My buddy doesn't live a "safe" life. There is nothing terribly conservative about him. He is willing to put himself out there and take risks and it seems to pay off for him. What I realize in looking at him for inspiration is that if I want to achieve the level of recognition and success that I want, that I too have to stop making comfortable and safe decisions and to act more outrageously, to give a lot more of myself and really step out there on the edge. I have to become active in my own life and really own my actions.
My buddy revels in dancing hard on the edge. I know that for him, living away from it is more deadly to his spirit than all the weeks and months combined over the years spent in various war zones. I know that he is always alive in the moment and I know that it took a lot of time and effort on his part to get there too. I also know that it didn't happen because he made "safe" decisions that would protect him from failure.
Crawling to the edge and hanging on as I peer over it might be a good start but eventually standing and dancing on it is where I want to be too.
I'm ready to crawl, are you?
Cynthia
Somewhere, back in our distant past at university we met, ate a lot of pizza, shared some good books, laughs, a few beer, sad tales and some movies. I did the safe thing and found what I thought was a stable and employable guy and got married. He didn't; he went to grad school, went to Germany, wrote a book, got it published, got a PhD, and went on to teach at a rather specialized Canadian university and he still writes, gets published, travels to really interesting places and specializes in war zones. I got divorced and remarried and finally started on the road to being the person I want to become with the support and absolute devotion of my partner.
The failure of human nature is that we often make comparisons between ourselves and other persons that we admire and we often beat ourselves down in this futile exercise instead of doing what is necessary: make the comparison, draw from it the inspirational bits and realize that in order to live a fuller life that we must be active in it.
My buddy inspires me. It wasn't until I read his latest cover story in the great Canadian weekly news rag that I figured this out. I mean I got a lot from his last book, it was a great read but it didn't really spur me to any great A-HA moments and it's not like there was a great philosophical charge from the magazine article either. It's not like I am going to jump on plane and go rescue the indigenous population of a foreign land half a world away that has been in chaos for over 30 years but I am going to rescue myself. Let's just say that this idea finally 'clicked' with me.
To go along with recognizing that conservative decision making doesn't get me where I want to go I also add this. We are likely familiar with the old expression "charity begins at home", well, it's true. When we are willing to admit to ourselves that we are not 100% happy with our lot in life and we accept responsibility for it by recognizing the decisions that we have made that have placed us here or have continued to leave us here, then we are in essence recognizing that our "home" is in need of help. I know that my mind is a wonderful and creative tool and that I can use it to help myself be a better person, I just have to be brave enough to step outside of my comfort-zone and to do some things that are unusual for me. I have to give to myself too, not just to my family, or my friends, or forum associates, but to myself. I have to give myself permission to be brave, to try new things, to fail and to try again, all without comparison or judgement. That is the greatest of gift I can give to myself.
My buddy doesn't live a "safe" life. There is nothing terribly conservative about him. He is willing to put himself out there and take risks and it seems to pay off for him. What I realize in looking at him for inspiration is that if I want to achieve the level of recognition and success that I want, that I too have to stop making comfortable and safe decisions and to act more outrageously, to give a lot more of myself and really step out there on the edge. I have to become active in my own life and really own my actions.
My buddy revels in dancing hard on the edge. I know that for him, living away from it is more deadly to his spirit than all the weeks and months combined over the years spent in various war zones. I know that he is always alive in the moment and I know that it took a lot of time and effort on his part to get there too. I also know that it didn't happen because he made "safe" decisions that would protect him from failure.
Crawling to the edge and hanging on as I peer over it might be a good start but eventually standing and dancing on it is where I want to be too.
I'm ready to crawl, are you?
Cynthia
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