Help

Help is an interesting word. We can either get help, have help or be a help. Each use indicates a level of need or giving by those involved in the help process.

Lately, I've gotten help, been a help and had help. I also recently quite my job as CEO of my universe. Mind you that is a hard job post to forget and it's habits rise fairly frequently in day to day activities. I need and have a lot of help in dealing with this welcome vacancy in my life.

I still firmly believe that we are all 100% responsible for our lot in life. We either choose to accept or ignore the opportunities that are tossed in our path. It's like deciding whether or not to pick up a dropped penny. The only problem with being CEO of my universe is that I took responsibility for every dropped or ignored penny rather than just accepting that sometimes somebody else drops them and that I have no control over when and where they fall. It's too big a job with to much false responsibility that gets in the way of looking after what I really can do.

Recently a buddy, who is a musician/artist, and I decided that maybe it would be a good idea if a group of us like-minded individuals got together for bi-monthly gab sessions to compare notes on what works and what doesn't in our art/business worlds. Snagging the name from a magazine I read, we call it the Brain Squad, rather than a Mastermind group. It's a matter of rebelling against semantics and some of the 'new agey' verbiage that goes with the term Mastermind, that we grabbed at brain squad, after all two heads are better than one, so what about 5 or 6.

The catch with this little group is that we have to be committed to showing up at the meetings, hold everything discussed in confidence, share information and sources, and be encouraging as well as honest. So far it has a really good feel to it and it's great to be in room with others who are trying to be proactive about their art/business too and who are not looking for the problem in every idea but ideas in every problem.

My personal opinion is that for most of us that work at art, however one wants to define work and art, is that there is always someone or two or more, who is important to us, but who just never seems to "to get it". They appear to be supportive, try to be encouraging, but if you tell them your good news, theirs is better. If you have a problem, theirs is worse. If you have a headache, they have a brain tumour.... In their attempt to be supportive they are often undermining your confidence and creating some amount of doubt in your abilities and it's not like we don't suffer with confidence and ability issues as it is.

Our hope is that the brain squad can help each of us overcome some of the doubts/fears that creep into our art-lives, and that by keeping the meetings to a bi-monthly schedule that we all stay a bit more focused, and that because of improved focus that we will more readily spot the dropped pennies and actually be in a position to pick them up and use them, and if we can't use them, we can at least pass them on and help somebody else.

Cheers!

I'm a Whiner

I'm back to whine some more about my pathetic life.

Just reading that sentence makes my adult self laugh. My reality hits me square between the eyes that it is of my own making and the good and the bad have been invited into by me.

Also, the concept of our inner egos is again confirmed. That we each have a responsible adult ego, a nurturing inner parent ego and the inner child ego, and the child is whining bad today.

And yes, we are responsible for our situations - 100%!

What brings on this slight bemusement is the fact that months ago we knew that The Tragically Hip, one of my favorite bands, will be playing a concert just minutes away from home tonight. And months ago the tickets went on sale and months ago we put off buying tickets and months ago we made some decisions about the business that would substantially change the cash flow situation for the summer. And through the past few months we have maintained a positive outlook that things will get better, they have, but here we are now with no tickets, no way to really justify buying two of the few remaining tickets at the box office either. And remember that I said "better" and not "great".

I mean I could justify it in a 'we deserve this' type of move, but I can't come up with a real reason why we really deserve it.

The problem with responsibility and logic is that they can override the emotional appeal for FUN and it's my fun-loving child self that is whining at my responsible adult self. The usual litany of "it's not fair" and "it's all ..... fault", even though I can not come up with anyone to blame for this, has started in my head and I don't like it. My nurturing adult self now has the job of soothing the inner whiner.

As an aspiring artist (doesn't that sound important) my inner child gets to play a lot. It is who draws the designs and puts colours together and is always trying new things at the bench. My adult self gets shelved for a few productive hours until it is time to do paperwork and dole out rewards for good behavior. It's just that those rewards had better be cheap and $48.00/seat tickets aren't it this month, not with business cards and graphics for the booth on order and hotel fees for the show coming up on the 21st.

Now try explaining that to a disappointed child who has been hoping since April that just maybe, this time, they can go see their favorite band.

Now imagine trying to take this same child and trying to get it to co-operate and go colour in it's colouring book.

Now you know who an artist is when they are not happy with what is going on around them.

And since the child is already whining, I might just as well deal with it and let it whine and go do some responsible mundane adult stuff until it calms down.

In the hopes that you are better at soothing your inner child than I am, have a great day,
Cynthia

The creative adult is the child who has survived. - Ursula K. LeGuin

P.S. Husbands are a funny thing. They call and ask your advice and then still go and do the total opposite. He bought the tickets today.

The Edge

I have a friend, we've been buddies for 20 years. I actually do have more than one but this is about one in particular who likes to live dangerously and I am so envious and admiring of him.

Somewhere, back in our distant past at university we met, ate a lot of pizza, shared some good books, laughs, a few beer, sad tales and some movies. I did the safe thing and found what I thought was a stable and employable guy and got married. He didn't; he went to grad school, went to Germany, wrote a book, got it published, got a PhD, and went on to teach at a rather specialized Canadian university and he still writes, gets published, travels to really interesting places and specializes in war zones. I got divorced and remarried and finally started on the road to being the person I want to become with the support and absolute devotion of my partner.

The failure of human nature is that we often make comparisons between ourselves and other persons that we admire and we often beat ourselves down in this futile exercise instead of doing what is necessary: make the comparison, draw from it the inspirational bits and realize that in order to live a fuller life that we must be active in it.

My buddy inspires me. It wasn't until I read his latest cover story in the great Canadian weekly news rag that I figured this out. I mean I got a lot from his last book, it was a great read but it didn't really spur me to any great A-HA moments and it's not like there was a great philosophical charge from the magazine article either. It's not like I am going to jump on plane and go rescue the indigenous population of a foreign land half a world away that has been in chaos for over 30 years but I am going to rescue myself. Let's just say that this idea finally 'clicked' with me.

To go along with recognizing that conservative decision making doesn't get me where I want to go I also add this. We are likely familiar with the old expression "charity begins at home", well, it's true. When we are willing to admit to ourselves that we are not 100% happy with our lot in life and we accept responsibility for it by recognizing the decisions that we have made that have placed us here or have continued to leave us here, then we are in essence recognizing that our "home" is in need of help. I know that my mind is a wonderful and creative tool and that I can use it to help myself be a better person, I just have to be brave enough to step outside of my comfort-zone and to do some things that are unusual for me. I have to give to myself too, not just to my family, or my friends, or forum associates, but to myself. I have to give myself permission to be brave, to try new things, to fail and to try again, all without comparison or judgement. That is the greatest of gift I can give to myself.

My buddy doesn't live a "safe" life. There is nothing terribly conservative about him. He is willing to put himself out there and take risks and it seems to pay off for him. What I realize in looking at him for inspiration is that if I want to achieve the level of recognition and success that I want, that I too have to stop making comfortable and safe decisions and to act more outrageously, to give a lot more of myself and really step out there on the edge. I have to become active in my own life and really own my actions.

My buddy revels in dancing hard on the edge. I know that for him, living away from it is more deadly to his spirit than all the weeks and months combined over the years spent in various war zones. I know that he is always alive in the moment and I know that it took a lot of time and effort on his part to get there too. I also know that it didn't happen because he made "safe" decisions that would protect him from failure.

Crawling to the edge and hanging on as I peer over it might be a good start but eventually standing and dancing on it is where I want to be too.

I'm ready to crawl, are you?

Cynthia