Fear of self and fear of being forgotten... are perhaps more related than being just phobias.
Autophobia is often associated with self-loathing and low self-esteem. Self-loathing and low self-esteem are often masked with arrogance, which is strongly associated with overbearing and egotistical attitudes.
Athazagoraphobia is often felt by people with low self-esteem with symptoms of self-doubt, the feelings of being unlovable, unwanted, undesirable. In other words, they feel that they are unremarkable people in and of themselves, thus are easily dismissed, unless of course they do something spectacular with their lives to bring some form of notoriety, which can be interpreted as egoism and arrogance.
Fears, and I know I touched on fear recently, so bear with me here, can sneak up on us. They produce symptoms of depression and bring a sense of gloom and hopelessness. Sometimes it makes us near motionless, stopping us in our tracks, figuratively and even literally. It can make us turn around and run back to our safe place to hide out until the feeling passes.
Sometimes our fears are brought on by a decision that we have to make. Sometimes it is having to face another person. Sometimes it is a physical place. Sometimes it is our own self-talk, our own personal doubts about our worth as a person that creates the fear.
The fear is a dark place in our own mind and it isn't as real as we think it is. What is real is that most of us experience it at some time in our lives, and what is real is that by taking some kind of forward action, it can be overcome. Not all at once maybe, but step by little step.
I have been thinking about this for a couple of days now and I wonder how often my own issues with self-esteem are misinterpreted and how often my fear gets in the way of growing forward?
... and maybe that is why blogging gained so much popularity so quickly, the words and actions of our lives are digitally recorded for a potential eternity, never to be forgotten.
Someday I'll deal with my fear of regret.
--
Showing posts with label self-confidence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-confidence. Show all posts
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Praise Junkie
There are people in our lives that we often receive compliments from or give compliments to... We feel good for both giving and receiving. Sometimes we find ourselves smiling a little brighter or trying a little harder because of the receipt of the compliment. We want another one, we need another one, our mind cries out for another one, we need the hit of the boost of the compliment.
The moment of realization dawns: I am a "Praise Junkie".
Now assume for a bit that you are not a junkie, but someone with confidence in your abilities and an unquestioning faith in yourself. Assume for a moment that you do not regularly seek out praise. Assume that you rarely receive complements and that for just this once, someone you have rarely received a compliment from gives you one. What value do you place on that praise? Is that one comment now worth more because it is rarely given than a similar one that is received daily?
I found myself pondering this recently. Both evaluating my need for a hit for the praise junkie and why one rare and off-hand comment about being "pretty" from a friend seems to have had more power than the daily reminder that I am "beautiful" from my partner.
On the rather cynical side though, praise is like marketing and diamonds: Rarity can lend value and perceived scarcity can up the demand.
I'll draw this conclusion for the moment, I have a daily showering of "diamonds" from my partner, so I guess when I get tossed another colour of gem, it's just unusual enough to be fascinating for awhile, but eventually the novelty wears off as the edges chip and the shine leaves the softer gem.
--
The moment of realization dawns: I am a "Praise Junkie".
Now assume for a bit that you are not a junkie, but someone with confidence in your abilities and an unquestioning faith in yourself. Assume for a moment that you do not regularly seek out praise. Assume that you rarely receive complements and that for just this once, someone you have rarely received a compliment from gives you one. What value do you place on that praise? Is that one comment now worth more because it is rarely given than a similar one that is received daily?
I found myself pondering this recently. Both evaluating my need for a hit for the praise junkie and why one rare and off-hand comment about being "pretty" from a friend seems to have had more power than the daily reminder that I am "beautiful" from my partner.
On the rather cynical side though, praise is like marketing and diamonds: Rarity can lend value and perceived scarcity can up the demand.
I'll draw this conclusion for the moment, I have a daily showering of "diamonds" from my partner, so I guess when I get tossed another colour of gem, it's just unusual enough to be fascinating for awhile, but eventually the novelty wears off as the edges chip and the shine leaves the softer gem.
--
Monday, June 8, 2009
My Cinderella Issue
In the original Grimm's Fairy Tale (GFT), I don't think that Cinderella was the helpless waif that the North American (NA) sanitized an beautified versions of the tale makes her out to be. I think that she a lot more spunk and she wasn't constantly sitting around bemoaning her terrible fate, whining at mice and waiting for the rodents and avian life to build her a dress for the ball. I also don't recall that Prince Charming was such a twit either, dancing around and believing that this was the "Princess" that would make his life complete. Grimm's seemed to imply that his life was already complete and well rounded and that the addition of Cinderella would simply enrich it. They weren't really saving each others butts in the original so much as providing opportunity for change and betterment.
My issue with the NA is that multiple generations of youth have grown up on that sucrose laden pablum, as compared to the more austere, violent and truthful GFT. I believe that this has left millions of children, young adults and some of us approaching middle age with a false sense of our own importance and the cultural implication that we need to be rescued. That someone will ride in and if the shoe fits, haul our sorry posteriors out of the ash pile and turn our lives from drudgery and damnation to a full time night club scene minus the pumpkin hour. In turn, the rider's life is going to become rich and whole because they made a rescue. Baloney, all you have are two needy people desperately seeking solace in the other and in turn constantly dragging each other further and further into their own personal morasses of misery.
What if the modern day Cinderella stopped whining and started doing? What if she found a bucket of water and washed her face and hands, combed her hair and mended her dress? What if she went into the village and looked for a job, any job, and just started to get out of the house and away from her negative environment. What if she stopped waiting to be rescued by the Prince and started her own rescue? Would teaching a little self-sufficiency to our youth be such a bad thing?
Let's face it, in the NA story, Prince is riding around with a glass slipper, that's a deadly weapon. What happens to the idea of doing some rescuing if he trips, falls and slits his throat on the broken shards? By the way, why does he need a whinging, whining broad for when he's the heir apparent and supposed to be busy doing a job of helping look after a kingdom. What's he really need with a woman to make his life complete? Enriched maybe, but not complete, because it should already be full and busy. He's a focused dude, not some love-struck puppy wandering around looking for a john so he can toss it off while he's waiting to try the 50's-look glass pump on his one and only.
Come on here people, what are we doing to ourselves when this is the drivel we are prepared to live off of? When this is what we are basing part of our societal structures on? Is it any wonder we are a confused bunch? Liberated, but waiting for him/her to rescue and fulfill us. Corporate climbing successes but still a failure without a full time marriage. Happiness is impossible without a partner. Love is the ultimate prize. Love is the only true success story. Why can't we be a success just because we are a whole person, doing something worthwhile as individuals? Why do we have to make the rescue/relationship the big story of our lives? What happens to our life when the rescue is over and the person is gone? We don't look too good, we don't feel too good, and we have belly-flopped, mega-cannonball splashed, big time failed. This is just a bad construct to have filling the minds of our youth. The media of cartoons and modern stories is not in tune with the rest of messages that we are trying to impart to those who wish to be successful adults.
Rewrite the story: You are a whole person with multiple interests and lots of people and things that you do that you enjoy in your life, all you don't have is full-time love relationship. Do you need one? Not really, it isn't what is going to make you happy because you already are happy. You are already fulfilled and self-reliant, but you give it a try because, well, if it works, your life might be a bit richer for it, if it fails, you still have your happiness and a full life. If the person that you try is already a happy, whole person, you are not rescuing, they are not needy, and they will add to, rather than take away from your life. Much better ending for everyone because now you are not busting your balls to back-fill the pits for another person who is sitting around uselessly gobbling up everything in sight as a way to ease their own psychic pain.
Neediness is a big hole and it takes a lot to fill it, that's why Cinderella needs the big castle and all the trappings to go with the Prince. She might be a nice girl, but she is one huge vacuum of narcissistic self-doubt and is totally devoid of self-confidence. If she hadn't been whining in the cinder pit, waiting for the fairy-godmother, she could have been fashioning together a drop-dead ensemble, bought on sale, paid for with her tips from Starbucks, and because she talks to so many people everyday at her job, she's already got the confidence to take on Princy and all the other fashionistas at the ball. She's not needy, she's one tough cookie with the chutzpah to take over the world. She doesn't need Princy, but if she decides she wants him, she'll try him on for size. If he doesn't fit into her life, she'll just head for the next ball.
As I said, I have a real Cinderella issue, and I personally detest the dichotomy that this type of media message has produced in me, on the one hand, supposed to be a capable self-sufficient woman but on the other, my life is not complete unless I am saved by Princy. I am so upset with the realization that I got gobbled up in the modern myth, like so many other women and men that I know, that I could burn the castle, slit Princy's throat with my own high heel and run mice through with a machete. If fairy-godmother ever shows, I think I will have to tell her to go do another kind of rescuing, start educating people that waiting to be rescued is wrong and useless and that changing your attitude to be bit more "can do" is the best possible remedy to the cinder pit of life.
My issue with the NA is that multiple generations of youth have grown up on that sucrose laden pablum, as compared to the more austere, violent and truthful GFT. I believe that this has left millions of children, young adults and some of us approaching middle age with a false sense of our own importance and the cultural implication that we need to be rescued. That someone will ride in and if the shoe fits, haul our sorry posteriors out of the ash pile and turn our lives from drudgery and damnation to a full time night club scene minus the pumpkin hour. In turn, the rider's life is going to become rich and whole because they made a rescue. Baloney, all you have are two needy people desperately seeking solace in the other and in turn constantly dragging each other further and further into their own personal morasses of misery.
What if the modern day Cinderella stopped whining and started doing? What if she found a bucket of water and washed her face and hands, combed her hair and mended her dress? What if she went into the village and looked for a job, any job, and just started to get out of the house and away from her negative environment. What if she stopped waiting to be rescued by the Prince and started her own rescue? Would teaching a little self-sufficiency to our youth be such a bad thing?
Let's face it, in the NA story, Prince is riding around with a glass slipper, that's a deadly weapon. What happens to the idea of doing some rescuing if he trips, falls and slits his throat on the broken shards? By the way, why does he need a whinging, whining broad for when he's the heir apparent and supposed to be busy doing a job of helping look after a kingdom. What's he really need with a woman to make his life complete? Enriched maybe, but not complete, because it should already be full and busy. He's a focused dude, not some love-struck puppy wandering around looking for a john so he can toss it off while he's waiting to try the 50's-look glass pump on his one and only.
Come on here people, what are we doing to ourselves when this is the drivel we are prepared to live off of? When this is what we are basing part of our societal structures on? Is it any wonder we are a confused bunch? Liberated, but waiting for him/her to rescue and fulfill us. Corporate climbing successes but still a failure without a full time marriage. Happiness is impossible without a partner. Love is the ultimate prize. Love is the only true success story. Why can't we be a success just because we are a whole person, doing something worthwhile as individuals? Why do we have to make the rescue/relationship the big story of our lives? What happens to our life when the rescue is over and the person is gone? We don't look too good, we don't feel too good, and we have belly-flopped, mega-cannonball splashed, big time failed. This is just a bad construct to have filling the minds of our youth. The media of cartoons and modern stories is not in tune with the rest of messages that we are trying to impart to those who wish to be successful adults.
Rewrite the story: You are a whole person with multiple interests and lots of people and things that you do that you enjoy in your life, all you don't have is full-time love relationship. Do you need one? Not really, it isn't what is going to make you happy because you already are happy. You are already fulfilled and self-reliant, but you give it a try because, well, if it works, your life might be a bit richer for it, if it fails, you still have your happiness and a full life. If the person that you try is already a happy, whole person, you are not rescuing, they are not needy, and they will add to, rather than take away from your life. Much better ending for everyone because now you are not busting your balls to back-fill the pits for another person who is sitting around uselessly gobbling up everything in sight as a way to ease their own psychic pain.
Neediness is a big hole and it takes a lot to fill it, that's why Cinderella needs the big castle and all the trappings to go with the Prince. She might be a nice girl, but she is one huge vacuum of narcissistic self-doubt and is totally devoid of self-confidence. If she hadn't been whining in the cinder pit, waiting for the fairy-godmother, she could have been fashioning together a drop-dead ensemble, bought on sale, paid for with her tips from Starbucks, and because she talks to so many people everyday at her job, she's already got the confidence to take on Princy and all the other fashionistas at the ball. She's not needy, she's one tough cookie with the chutzpah to take over the world. She doesn't need Princy, but if she decides she wants him, she'll try him on for size. If he doesn't fit into her life, she'll just head for the next ball.
As I said, I have a real Cinderella issue, and I personally detest the dichotomy that this type of media message has produced in me, on the one hand, supposed to be a capable self-sufficient woman but on the other, my life is not complete unless I am saved by Princy. I am so upset with the realization that I got gobbled up in the modern myth, like so many other women and men that I know, that I could burn the castle, slit Princy's throat with my own high heel and run mice through with a machete. If fairy-godmother ever shows, I think I will have to tell her to go do another kind of rescuing, start educating people that waiting to be rescued is wrong and useless and that changing your attitude to be bit more "can do" is the best possible remedy to the cinder pit of life.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Brave Moment...
...And it was fun too.
For the first time in years I put a brush to canvas. It was not easy.
I have had the paint, brushes and canvases for well over a year and I have periodically ranted about wanting to try painting again. It was good to play in the paint - acrylic - cheap but very functional when you know that this isn't your main gig.
I learned something that helped today too.
The reason that I shied away from visual art, since I could draw OK and could use oils OK was that in my mind, my mother was better, but she didn't paint much and often voiced disatisfaction with some branch or other of the family tree in regards to art. I got turned off and also I didn't want to appear to be competing with her - and maybe that's an only child/daughter hang-up. My mother liked to work on landscapes and painted in a realistic but not photographic fashion. I am very uncomfortable with realism, besides I have a lot of doubt in my ability and I am hung-up on all of this.
But what I learned is that if I pick really contrary colours to work in: green and blue for flesh for example, that the whole activity becomes a lot more fun; after all it is hard to take a green/blue nude seriously.
The three small canvases, I think they are the standard 5x7, will be signed and dated, probably tacked up on the studio wall and will be replaced with several more blanks.
I know that the 'paintings' are NOT gallery quality, at least in my humble and self-detrimental opinion, but I'm still pretty proud of them because it's real progress. It took a lot of time and a good bit of bravery to try something that I gave up on 20 years ago.
Now I wonder what else I can rediscover and try again?
For the first time in years I put a brush to canvas. It was not easy.
I have had the paint, brushes and canvases for well over a year and I have periodically ranted about wanting to try painting again. It was good to play in the paint - acrylic - cheap but very functional when you know that this isn't your main gig.
I learned something that helped today too.
The reason that I shied away from visual art, since I could draw OK and could use oils OK was that in my mind, my mother was better, but she didn't paint much and often voiced disatisfaction with some branch or other of the family tree in regards to art. I got turned off and also I didn't want to appear to be competing with her - and maybe that's an only child/daughter hang-up. My mother liked to work on landscapes and painted in a realistic but not photographic fashion. I am very uncomfortable with realism, besides I have a lot of doubt in my ability and I am hung-up on all of this.
But what I learned is that if I pick really contrary colours to work in: green and blue for flesh for example, that the whole activity becomes a lot more fun; after all it is hard to take a green/blue nude seriously.
The three small canvases, I think they are the standard 5x7, will be signed and dated, probably tacked up on the studio wall and will be replaced with several more blanks.
I know that the 'paintings' are NOT gallery quality, at least in my humble and self-detrimental opinion, but I'm still pretty proud of them because it's real progress. It took a lot of time and a good bit of bravery to try something that I gave up on 20 years ago.
Now I wonder what else I can rediscover and try again?
Monday, October 15, 2007
Get Out of the Studio
This is a note for all of us that private studios: i.e. we do not share space in a building with other artisans or share a studio with room with other artists.
Nothing can be created in a vacuum. I'm sure that you have heard that before and I know that it is true.
Without social interaction with other artists we have a tendency to forget what it is that is good about our work and I say this because we just had the opportunity to spend two and a half wonderful days in one of Fredericton's landmark artists' buildings. The upstairs houses a record store (yes, with real vinyl LP's), a photo studio, a wonderful "pop-art" artist and 2 more visual artists and a mixed media fabric artist. It's not a lot of artists by some standards but it is more than I see on a daily bases.
The joy of this interaction, including going to the Art Trek opening on Friday night is that for the first time in ages, we had a real social time with other artists, not a show where we are all concentrating on prices and money and customer service and mailing lists and unpacking and setting-up and tearing down and packing-up... but just concentrating on the art and the person who made it. What a change. I know that visitors to show concentrate on the art and the artists but as artists, it just seems that we never have much time for that. It feels good.
It feels good to discuss line, and colour and uses of negative space and to see how other artists react to each others' work and how they apply 'art-speak' to the work. I know that for me, it brought me back around to the more subtle aspects of what we do, not just the technical aspects of construction or the business side of it but the real artistry of well made and wearable jewelry as art, or at least fine craft for those that argue the art/craft thing that could take days.
I love having the private studio now, I can work anytime of night or day, as necessary or as the spirit moves me, I have few interruptions, except what I allow, I do not have to explain what I am doing at that moment to anyone who walks in the door, as hardly anyone ever visits without calling first to make sure that 1) I'm actually in and 2) that I am not wearing my PJ's to work. BUT I love getting out of it too.
I love meeting new people, especially like-minded. I love hearing the critical reviews of the works being shown by myself and by other artists which keeps me on my toes and keeps me thinking about how to better use space and colour and line. I get another person's opinion of what works and what doesn't in our jewelry. And besides, most artists are really great and only tell you what they really like and why and that tells you everything you need to know by omission.
So, when you are feeling isolated and unsure of the work, get out of the studio, go to an opening, find an art group, just do something social that relates to your chosen art. It's like blowing a hole in the side of a dungeon to let in the light and fresh air and provide a way in and out. Just make sure that when you leave the studio that you are carrying your business cards and that you are willing to talk to people that you meet. The opportunities to make good useful connections with your fellow artisans abound at these events.
If you don't normally do this at least once a month, try it this month and see what happens, you might like it.
-C
Nothing can be created in a vacuum. I'm sure that you have heard that before and I know that it is true.
Without social interaction with other artists we have a tendency to forget what it is that is good about our work and I say this because we just had the opportunity to spend two and a half wonderful days in one of Fredericton's landmark artists' buildings. The upstairs houses a record store (yes, with real vinyl LP's), a photo studio, a wonderful "pop-art" artist and 2 more visual artists and a mixed media fabric artist. It's not a lot of artists by some standards but it is more than I see on a daily bases.
The joy of this interaction, including going to the Art Trek opening on Friday night is that for the first time in ages, we had a real social time with other artists, not a show where we are all concentrating on prices and money and customer service and mailing lists and unpacking and setting-up and tearing down and packing-up... but just concentrating on the art and the person who made it. What a change. I know that visitors to show concentrate on the art and the artists but as artists, it just seems that we never have much time for that. It feels good.
It feels good to discuss line, and colour and uses of negative space and to see how other artists react to each others' work and how they apply 'art-speak' to the work. I know that for me, it brought me back around to the more subtle aspects of what we do, not just the technical aspects of construction or the business side of it but the real artistry of well made and wearable jewelry as art, or at least fine craft for those that argue the art/craft thing that could take days.
I love having the private studio now, I can work anytime of night or day, as necessary or as the spirit moves me, I have few interruptions, except what I allow, I do not have to explain what I am doing at that moment to anyone who walks in the door, as hardly anyone ever visits without calling first to make sure that 1) I'm actually in and 2) that I am not wearing my PJ's to work. BUT I love getting out of it too.
I love meeting new people, especially like-minded. I love hearing the critical reviews of the works being shown by myself and by other artists which keeps me on my toes and keeps me thinking about how to better use space and colour and line. I get another person's opinion of what works and what doesn't in our jewelry. And besides, most artists are really great and only tell you what they really like and why and that tells you everything you need to know by omission.
So, when you are feeling isolated and unsure of the work, get out of the studio, go to an opening, find an art group, just do something social that relates to your chosen art. It's like blowing a hole in the side of a dungeon to let in the light and fresh air and provide a way in and out. Just make sure that when you leave the studio that you are carrying your business cards and that you are willing to talk to people that you meet. The opportunities to make good useful connections with your fellow artisans abound at these events.
If you don't normally do this at least once a month, try it this month and see what happens, you might like it.
-C
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
WHY?
Why do I do this stuff?
Luann Udell asked why this past week in her blog and I now feel compelled to answer the question.
Sometimes we think that the obvious reason we do something is the potential for monetary gain, but I’ve already determined that money isn’t the real why, it’s a superficial why and besides, if that was the real reason for making art/jewelry then doing it is a really bad idea.
Other obvious answers are the ones about colour and fun; and it is colourful and it is fun and we do enjoy making it. This is still a truth but it is a shallow answer.
I frequently find myself asking why I do what I do, which is try to be an office manger, book-keeper and creative genius all in one and I frequently avoid answering the question. There is a truth in what Luann was saying; we are scared of our own reasons for doing some things.
We often try to make it sound like we are doing or art/craft for the benefit of others. I know that I am willing to tell you that we do it so that we can share the beauty of these stones, trapped in basaltic formations for millions of years, with the world. Isn’t that generous of us, but it’s not the real truth either.
Making art is not an altruistic activity. It is actually a very selfish act, which I think is why it is so hard to tell the real truth behind it.
The real truth is that I am not nearly as organized as an office manager needs to be, but I fake it real well and so long as you believe that I am capable, then there is no reason to replace me with a real one. I really don’t like bookwork, in fact I hate it but I do it because I am too cheap to hire it out. I do like making jewelry though, but not for money and not because I want to share it even though I like sharing and money.
No, the real reason I do this is selfish: I want to succeed.
I can hear you saying “Succeed, well duh, that’s a no-brainer! We all want to succeed.”
Yes, we are driven by our real needs and mine is wrapped up in the word “succeed”. Success is the word with as many meanings as there are people in the world. The real nature of success is as unique to me as I am as a person, which is why your definition is different from mine and as different from that of the CEO of a Fortune 500 as it is to a doctor, to a farmer, to a… I know you get the picture.
You can see that I am avoiding the “WHY” again already and went of on a little tangent. It is scary to have to tell the whole ugly, bare-naked truth.
I make jewelry because I want to prove that I am actually excellent at something. I don’t know what it will take for me to really believe that I am excellent or have achieved excellence. I don’t know how many awards I will need to win or what skills I will need to develop or how many top-notch shows I will need to be accepted to or how many compliments I will need to receive in order to believe that I am good enough at what I do to be considered excellent.
You are also starting to think that I am a few facets shy of a well-cut stone too… So let’s face-it, the truth is ugly, but the need for success is within each of us, and some deep-rooted childhood anxiety is likely what drives it.
As a child/teen/young adult I did a lot of things reasonably well but I never really worked at being excellent. I never went out of my way to strive for excellence. I have come to realize that for me, success equals excellence. Excellence can manifest itself in a lot of ways, awards, publication, money, various accolades, but it is a personal measure of my own insecurities. The more I deal with facing them, the less I have to do to be excellent.
Why do I make art jewelry? Because I want to be excellent. I want to tell the little voice inside of me that I am OK and actually have it shut up and believe it for good. I want to free myself of my own insecurities that keep me a wallflower and I do that by making bold jewelry that cannot possibly be worn by anyone who is looking to stay in the background and never get noticed. My day of success will be the day I wear my work without being scared of it and the attention it brings.
It’s a pretty selfish reason to make art but it’s the real reason. Besides, it’s colourful and fun to do, and I really like doing it and being able to show it to people and talk about the pretty rock and the techniques and I like becoming a more self-confident person who is becoming excellent.
Luann also asked why you should care. I guess I have to figure that out next.
Cheers,
Cynthia
Luann Udell asked why this past week in her blog and I now feel compelled to answer the question.
Sometimes we think that the obvious reason we do something is the potential for monetary gain, but I’ve already determined that money isn’t the real why, it’s a superficial why and besides, if that was the real reason for making art/jewelry then doing it is a really bad idea.
Other obvious answers are the ones about colour and fun; and it is colourful and it is fun and we do enjoy making it. This is still a truth but it is a shallow answer.
I frequently find myself asking why I do what I do, which is try to be an office manger, book-keeper and creative genius all in one and I frequently avoid answering the question. There is a truth in what Luann was saying; we are scared of our own reasons for doing some things.
We often try to make it sound like we are doing or art/craft for the benefit of others. I know that I am willing to tell you that we do it so that we can share the beauty of these stones, trapped in basaltic formations for millions of years, with the world. Isn’t that generous of us, but it’s not the real truth either.
Making art is not an altruistic activity. It is actually a very selfish act, which I think is why it is so hard to tell the real truth behind it.
The real truth is that I am not nearly as organized as an office manager needs to be, but I fake it real well and so long as you believe that I am capable, then there is no reason to replace me with a real one. I really don’t like bookwork, in fact I hate it but I do it because I am too cheap to hire it out. I do like making jewelry though, but not for money and not because I want to share it even though I like sharing and money.
No, the real reason I do this is selfish: I want to succeed.
I can hear you saying “Succeed, well duh, that’s a no-brainer! We all want to succeed.”
Yes, we are driven by our real needs and mine is wrapped up in the word “succeed”. Success is the word with as many meanings as there are people in the world. The real nature of success is as unique to me as I am as a person, which is why your definition is different from mine and as different from that of the CEO of a Fortune 500 as it is to a doctor, to a farmer, to a… I know you get the picture.
You can see that I am avoiding the “WHY” again already and went of on a little tangent. It is scary to have to tell the whole ugly, bare-naked truth.
I make jewelry because I want to prove that I am actually excellent at something. I don’t know what it will take for me to really believe that I am excellent or have achieved excellence. I don’t know how many awards I will need to win or what skills I will need to develop or how many top-notch shows I will need to be accepted to or how many compliments I will need to receive in order to believe that I am good enough at what I do to be considered excellent.
You are also starting to think that I am a few facets shy of a well-cut stone too… So let’s face-it, the truth is ugly, but the need for success is within each of us, and some deep-rooted childhood anxiety is likely what drives it.
As a child/teen/young adult I did a lot of things reasonably well but I never really worked at being excellent. I never went out of my way to strive for excellence. I have come to realize that for me, success equals excellence. Excellence can manifest itself in a lot of ways, awards, publication, money, various accolades, but it is a personal measure of my own insecurities. The more I deal with facing them, the less I have to do to be excellent.
Why do I make art jewelry? Because I want to be excellent. I want to tell the little voice inside of me that I am OK and actually have it shut up and believe it for good. I want to free myself of my own insecurities that keep me a wallflower and I do that by making bold jewelry that cannot possibly be worn by anyone who is looking to stay in the background and never get noticed. My day of success will be the day I wear my work without being scared of it and the attention it brings.
It’s a pretty selfish reason to make art but it’s the real reason. Besides, it’s colourful and fun to do, and I really like doing it and being able to show it to people and talk about the pretty rock and the techniques and I like becoming a more self-confident person who is becoming excellent.
Luann also asked why you should care. I guess I have to figure that out next.
Cheers,
Cynthia
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