WHY?

Why do I do this stuff?
Luann Udell asked why this past week in her blog and I now feel compelled to answer the question.

Sometimes we think that the obvious reason we do something is the potential for monetary gain, but I’ve already determined that money isn’t the real why, it’s a superficial why and besides, if that was the real reason for making art/jewelry then doing it is a really bad idea.

Other obvious answers are the ones about colour and fun; and it is colourful and it is fun and we do enjoy making it. This is still a truth but it is a shallow answer.

I frequently find myself asking why I do what I do, which is try to be an office manger, book-keeper and creative genius all in one and I frequently avoid answering the question. There is a truth in what Luann was saying; we are scared of our own reasons for doing some things.

We often try to make it sound like we are doing or art/craft for the benefit of others. I know that I am willing to tell you that we do it so that we can share the beauty of these stones, trapped in basaltic formations for millions of years, with the world. Isn’t that generous of us, but it’s not the real truth either.

Making art is not an altruistic activity. It is actually a very selfish act, which I think is why it is so hard to tell the real truth behind it.

The real truth is that I am not nearly as organized as an office manager needs to be, but I fake it real well and so long as you believe that I am capable, then there is no reason to replace me with a real one. I really don’t like bookwork, in fact I hate it but I do it because I am too cheap to hire it out. I do like making jewelry though, but not for money and not because I want to share it even though I like sharing and money.

No, the real reason I do this is selfish: I want to succeed.

I can hear you saying “Succeed, well duh, that’s a no-brainer! We all want to succeed.”

Yes, we are driven by our real needs and mine is wrapped up in the word “succeed”. Success is the word with as many meanings as there are people in the world. The real nature of success is as unique to me as I am as a person, which is why your definition is different from mine and as different from that of the CEO of a Fortune 500 as it is to a doctor, to a farmer, to a… I know you get the picture.

You can see that I am avoiding the “WHY” again already and went of on a little tangent. It is scary to have to tell the whole ugly, bare-naked truth.

I make jewelry because I want to prove that I am actually excellent at something. I don’t know what it will take for me to really believe that I am excellent or have achieved excellence. I don’t know how many awards I will need to win or what skills I will need to develop or how many top-notch shows I will need to be accepted to or how many compliments I will need to receive in order to believe that I am good enough at what I do to be considered excellent.

You are also starting to think that I am a few facets shy of a well-cut stone too… So let’s face-it, the truth is ugly, but the need for success is within each of us, and some deep-rooted childhood anxiety is likely what drives it.

As a child/teen/young adult I did a lot of things reasonably well but I never really worked at being excellent. I never went out of my way to strive for excellence. I have come to realize that for me, success equals excellence. Excellence can manifest itself in a lot of ways, awards, publication, money, various accolades, but it is a personal measure of my own insecurities. The more I deal with facing them, the less I have to do to be excellent.

Why do I make art jewelry? Because I want to be excellent. I want to tell the little voice inside of me that I am OK and actually have it shut up and believe it for good. I want to free myself of my own insecurities that keep me a wallflower and I do that by making bold jewelry that cannot possibly be worn by anyone who is looking to stay in the background and never get noticed. My day of success will be the day I wear my work without being scared of it and the attention it brings.

It’s a pretty selfish reason to make art but it’s the real reason. Besides, it’s colourful and fun to do, and I really like doing it and being able to show it to people and talk about the pretty rock and the techniques and I like becoming a more self-confident person who is becoming excellent.

Luann also asked why you should care. I guess I have to figure that out next.

Cheers,
Cynthia